I’ve always loved having this blog to look back on and reflect when I’m going through anything, good or bad. I don’t know about you, but the minute I’m dealing with a tricky situation or feeling heartbreak, I start reading every possible post about others who have gone through the same thing. If you’re reading this because you’ve been frantically searching how to deal with a breakup, I’ve been there. In early fall, I went through a breakup, and while I started this post just a few days later, I waited until months later to share some reflections.
Breakups aren’t easy, and no amount of blog posts you read will fix how you’re feeling right now. But with everything you read and every friend you talk to, I hope you find comfort in the fact that this heartbreak is universal, and that others have gone through it and survived. You will too.
1. CRY IT OUT
Have you ever heard the saying “Men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti?” Heteronormativity and generalizations aside, there is some truth that we all experience emotions differently, and men may be more likely to be able to compartmentalize emotions and feelings while women’s emotions can permeate. That might not be true for everyone, but reframing my healing process in that way has been so helpful for me. Some people might be able to set aside negative feelings to focus on everything, but I can’t. I just have to cry it out and feel all my feelings!
I let myself cry when I needed to and am lucky to have an understanding manager who let me work from home the day after and who went on walks with me to talk it out and an amazing mom who answered the phone every time I called. If the grief begins feeling like you can’t function, of course seek professional counseling or add in extra therapy sessions. But know that feeling those feelings is a good thing. Everyone takes a different amount of time, but after the first month of crying really often, the crying became so much less frequent. And now, about two or three months later, I don’t know the last time I cried about it.
2. GET MOVING
Now, I’m not saying you should aim to get a “revenge body”. But, there is a lot of value in moving your body. I was so glad to already be in a consistent workout routine because it was a habit I could continue that made me feel good about myself and proud of getting out of bed. It doesn’t hurt that sometimes my Ignite classes feel so hard I can’t think of anything but making it through the workout!
If you aren’t already in a consistent workout routine, use your breakup as a chance to start incorporating good habits, whether you try a new gym or start going on walks with friends. You’ll feel the natural endorphins that come with moving your body and the pride of continuing to make choices that are good for you.
3. TALK ABOUT IT – A LITTLE
I’m sure I talked my friends’ ears off the first few weeks, and I still talk about it occasionally, but at a certain point, you have to be the one to change the subject. In the beginning, it truly won’t feel like there’s anything else worth thinking about, but the more you force yourself to talk about other things, the more you’ll realize there really is a lot out there. Plus, your friends deserve to be more than just your breakup therapist for months!
I also found it super helpful to read blog posts and websites from other people going through the same thing. I’m sure I reread a million Cup of Jo posts, including this one that I loved. Plus, I don’t think I’ve ever spent more time with my journal than after a breakup!
4. MAKE PLANS
Everyone will choose how to deal with a breakup differently, but no matter what, I think it’s helpful to spend time with others. You may want to spend all your time crying in your bed in the beginning, and there’s definitely value in that, but make some plans in the first few weeks—or be honest with a friend and let them know you’d love for them to take initiative on making plans. Even if you’re just going on walks or having friends come over to drink wine, you’ll feel less alone and find yourself focusing on other things.
5. ACCEPT THE CLOSURE YOU GIVE YOURSELF
Let’s get one thing straight—there’s no such thing as closure. One last conversation with your ex will not have them begging to be with you again or begging to change for you, and besides, why would you want to be with someone who wasn’t right the first time around? Truly, the first step for how to deal with a breakup is fully accepting that it’s over.
For me, a huge part of accepting a breakup (and advice you’ll usually get for how to deal with a breakup) is to get them out of sight and out of mind. Unfollow, block, remove their number, delete their photos. It’ll be hard to see how your life can go on without someone in it if you keep them in it.
6. REDIRECT YOUR THOUGHTS
I’m not suggesting you don’t think about it at all or ignore your feelings. That isn’t even possible for me! But after a few weeks, you’ll find that you’re constantly thinking about your ex or the breakup or your relationship because it’s a habit. Habits can be broken! After a few weeks, I realized that my ruminating over what I did wrong or what I wished I could change wasn’t doing anything but making me more upset.
On my trip to NYC, I decided I would redirect my thoughts. Any time my mind drifted to wondering what he was doing or replaying the breakup, I would say an Our Father. If you aren’t religious, you can redirect in any way you need. Analyze the latest episode of The Bachelor. Run through your to-do list. Just redirect your mind so you aren’t wasting any more mental energy on a situation that isn’t going to change.
7. FOCUS ON THE GOOD
If you’re reading this and really in the midst of the pain, it’ll be hard to see any good. Trust me, I get that. But I promise there is good. I can’t guarantee you’ll meet your soulmate in the next five months or that you’ll use this breakup to write a best-selling novel or move to a new country, but there is a lot of good that can come out of it in small ways. It’s just up to you to notice it. From talking to friends more after losing touch and noticing the kindness of strangers to realizing just how strong you actually are, you’ll get through it.
If you’re going through a breakup right now, I just wish we could get together and get coffee or drinks and go through it together! Just know that you aren’t alone, no matter where you are.
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